Eat shit and die? Those are two things I’d rather not do as eating shit might make me sick and dying will render me incapable of shitting. Unless you meant that I should eat shit so that I will die. In that case, you’re evil. You’re nothing but an evil bad person that is bad. So bad it’s redundant and we all know what redundancy does to me. For those of you who don’t know, redundancy gives me clone gas (Clone gas is when you fart multiple times and each fart sounds exactly alike).
So while I sit here with farts eeking out my butt-hole with the exact same frequency, length and potency I wonder as to where this “insult” comes from. What does it mean to “eat shit and die” other than the obvious- which is to eat shit and die as a result. This redundancy thing really blows plus eating shit and dying is not exactly what I wanna talk about right now. We all know what it means and why people say it.
Yes, I know my introduction was clearly about masticating fecal matter —chew chew chew chew— and joining the dead (who will probably come back as zombies when the zombie apocalypse happens) but who cares? I talk shit here. It’s what I do.
So elephants. Elephants are not what I want to talk about either. I also don’t want to discuss anything specific such as religion, politics or even cheese cake right now. So what do really want to blog about right now? The answer is simple- everything and nothing all at once. It makes this entire post pointless as I will probably never get to a point. When you have so much useless babble fluttering around in your head it would be polite to not say it out loud and thus you have a person who seems to not talk much- Somebody quiet who rarely “participates” socially. Somebody who’s constant thinking and over thinking results in hesitations, a seemingly shy persona or social awkwardness.
Are you curious yet? Would you like to hear more? I might have actually made a point there. If I do still have your attention I’ll have you know that Anime accounts for 60% of the world’s animation-based entertainment. So successful is animation in Japan, that there are almost 130 voice-acting schools in the country. I don’t know why I decided to give you a random fact about Anime and Japan but you’ll deal with it.
Talking about nothing and everything at once will probably lead to a few points since everything has to have some kind of ending whether it be a happy ending or a happy ending. A conclusion is a conclusion but we know everything will eventually end somewhere. A conclusion usually has a point even if it’s a very open and vague one.
Sometimes you miss the point completely and sometimes you realise that sometimes things can end very abruptly. Maybe that in itself is a point. Points can go eat shit and die.
You know your life will never be the same when anthropomorphic jars start defecating into other jars. They realise their purpose in life and create irony by taking dumps in other jars- A hipster jar if you will.
These hipster jars would have their own tumblr. accounts where they’d post pictures of other shitless jars layered with photo filters while captioning them with obscure text. I kid the hipsters.
Things would certainly be more entertaining if anthropomorphic jars existed in the real world. Something as disturbing as 2girls1cup would be less disturbing and more confusing: Two jars one jar. I can picture it now. Two jars would randomly start… doing what jars do with each other- Talk about their previous contents and stuff. Then suddenly one jar would shit in a jar.
Aaaaand then they’d both eat out of the jar. Then we realise, they were both Nutella jars. nom.
Did somebody say CAKE?! Oh my Glob CAKE! This delicious spongy substance CAKE! It’s like bread but not. No. It’s CAKE!. CAAAAKE!.
So cake, what exactly is cake? I don’t know what it is exactly. I only know of its effect on my taste buds and how it makes people jizz their pants from its pure awesomeness.
Cakes come in many varieties such as the delicious kind. Does that count? You get chocolate cakes, vanilla cake, strawberry shortcake, fruit cake, carrot cake, cheese cake, etc. If cakes were self-aware beings, they’d be the dominant species with their own problems, religions and prejudices. Perhaps baumkuchen would have sent babka to concentration camps or something…
Now that I think about it I’m sure that if cakes were self-aware beings with brains of their own, they’d be a very a peaceful race since as we all know- Most cakes are baked. Cakes would be the race of peace. They’d allow themselves to be eaten by us to help achieve world peace. They’d activate our cannabinoid receptors with their “space” varieties and we’d all live happily together floating on clouds and we’d spin in circles on open green fields while listening to The Jimmi Hendrix Experience. There’d be no hunger- only munchies. There’d be no war. Whales would be saved! Pooping would be super awesome. There’d only be happy people and safe whales all because of cake.
Now you see the awesomeness of cake. If you’ve been inspired by this little piece of writing don’t hesitate to spread the peace by sending me cake.
Save the whales: Bake a cake.
I sit down in the living room. Something catches my eye. Something small and obscure. There’s a turd on the living room floor. No, I’m not referring to some spoiled brat kid. I’m referring to cat diarrhea. A mud pie of fecal matter making itself comfortable on the tiled floor. I don’t know what to do. I’m alone at home. I’m ready to panic and the smell… Oh the smell! I can feel my nose breaking itself to mask the odour with blood.
I tell myself not to panic. I must not panic! I calmly run for my life and hide in a corner. NO! I must not hide! I must deal with this. I cannot lose to a turd. Not again! I fill a bucket full of hot steaming water and add a concoction of chemicals and cleaning products. I grab the mop and slowly stalk the steaming pile. I prepare for battle!
I consider the concoction to be overkill so I settle for rubber gloves and toilet paper. I wipe it…
OH SHIT! It’s just spreading… IT’S ON MY GLOVE! OH GLOB! OOH GLOOOB! IT’S ON MY GLOVE! I’m going to die! Oh shit! ooooh shit! I need help. I NEED help!
I’m not panicking. No panicking. Okay. I’m okay. I’ll just rinse it off the glove and use the mop.
I’m now ready for round two. I use my HYDRO-CANON (I threw water over the turd) to defeat this foe. It looks as though I’m going to win. I mop the steamer. OH SHIT! It’s just spreading. there’s brown all over the floor. RUN!
I wish I owned a unicorn. Then I’d just eat it’s poop.
I’m panicking! There’s a trail of shit following the mop. I can’t hyperventilate either. The smell is now 10x worse. I’m running in circles!
AAAAAAAAHHH!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! MOMMY! MOOOOMMMY!!!
Mommy’s not home! I must do this myself! I SHALL CLEAN THIS POOP! This poop mocks me. AAWWWWGGH!
I rinse the mop and prepare for… ROUND THREE! This is the last round and I’ve been KO’d twice. I wipe away the poop streak. KO! I win! Round 4. I rinse the mop and wipe away the water which happens to be empowering the poop. KO! We’re both on 2 KO’s.
*Picture the following scene with lo-fi sound, chinese accents and out of sync dialogue
Me: You stink up my house poo! Now you shall pay!
Poop: You will lose this fight. Your master has not yet fully trained you! Plus your master is like a total nerd.
Me: You dare you call my master a nerd! YAAAAAAAAA!!
*Picture the following scene as a pokemon battle
Denver used Wipe. It is highly effective.
Poop used stink. Denver flinched.
Poop used spread.
Denver used rinse and repeat.
Denver used wipe. It is highly effective.
Poop used tackle.
Denver flinched and screamed like a girl
Poop used stink.
Denver used SUPER COMBO. ↑- →- ↓- X- X- →-→- Y-A-B-A-B-A-B-A-↓-X-Y!
Denver beat Poop. Denver receives 1000 exp.
The poop has been beaten! I empty a bottle of air freshener over the floor where the poop once was. I am victorious! No poop shall ever get the better of me again!
Save the whales
A squishy turd lies fresh on the ground
A squishy turd I have found
Jelly-like brown with a nut or two
I’ll give this turd to you.
What is a squishy turd? Why do I even have to ask? It’s pretty self-explanatory really. It’s a turd that is… Squishy. It is a turd that is not runny nor firm. It can be molded into any shape imaginable. It’s almost like the the perfect turd or something in-between.
Logic tells me that one should keep these turds as trophies as one could easily mold it into the shape of a trophy or combine multiple squishy turds into one giant trophy. However, one does not simply just mold a turd. It takes great skill and power to mold the perfect turds:
Three Turds for the Elven-kings shitting under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their toilets of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Lavatory where the Shadows lie.
One Turd to rule them all. One Turd to find them,
One Turd to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Lavatory where the Shadows lie.
Sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me (unless I were in a Japanese porno that rhymed with “book kak heh?”)
I’m sorry. I can’t get over the fact that I actually found that picture by googling “gollum turd”. Duuude… He’s holding a turd! OH MY GLOB! HE’S HOLDING A FRIKKEN TURD!
That’s not even the worst part. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING! (that’s what she said) How on earth did he manage to poop that shit out. Talk about shitting bricks…
Excuse me while I figure that shit out.
Save the whales yo. AAWWWGGHH
“I come in peace” What does that even mean? Do they mean no harm? Are they looking for a private place to ‘relieve’ themselves after a 2 thousand light year journey? or are they just conveying too much info? my guess is: All three.
Aliens are perverts. Anal probes aren’t devices used for studying the human anatomy.No, not at all. They’re creepy sex toys from an intergalactic orgy. They usually just too stoned to remember where they put it plus nobody said it was the alien that put it in somebody’s anus in the first place.
Humans who have participated in these orgies usually claim that they “don’t remember” anything about the said “abduction”. It’s usually redneck homophobes that claim they’ve been abducted. If you know anything about hardcore homophobes you’d know that they’re secretly in the “I-love-anal” closet of unicorns, rainbows and all things fabulous. They’re spreading this fear of aliens so that nobody else would be willing to attend one of these intergalactic orgies.
These extraterrestrial beings are nice folk. They were nice enough to travel thousands of light years to pick up some earthlings while on their way to the Annual Intergalactic Orgy (AIO). These green chicks want some human meat. Why fear them at all?
The morning after.
When it was announced that they would be hosting the AIO on Earth’s moon it resulted in a space race. July 20th 1969 the Apollo 11 finally made it to the moon. Between 1969 and 1972 there were six manned landings on the moon. My guess is that the AIO is a three earth year event.
The next AIO will probably be hosted on the moon again and should take place somewhere near 2025 as the Russians are planning on sending cosmonauts to the moon to establish some sort of base there. If you don’t want to miss it be sure to start saving up and training now.